Seems legit.
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We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you