Seems legit.
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My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?