Seems legit.
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[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Oops
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
twitter is a journey
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?