Seems legit
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oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
it is time once again
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.