Seems legit
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.