Seems legit
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
🤯🤯🤯
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banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
is this a threat
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A friend helps you before you need it
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.