seems like a niche market
You Might Also Like
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My kitchen overserved me.
Facebook Twitter
Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭
Woke up with morning Yule Log
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?