seems like a niche market
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Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*