Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
You Might Also Like
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.