Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

Is this you?

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”