Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
You Might Also Like
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.