Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

mom: what’d you do today?

christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole

mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

everyone has that one prude friend

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.