Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Donkey Kong sommelier
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG