Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. About to go please some beans

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

I am also baked goods

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

PERSON: Your baby is so cute

ME: Oh thank you

PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!

ME: Oh I hope not but thanks

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON:

ME:

PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them

ME: Okay we gotta go now

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.

me: what was the hearing for?

lawyer: WHAT?

me: the hearing.

lawyer: WHAT?

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

You look like you would fail a DNA test

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”