Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.

Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.