seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates