Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.

I feel seen.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.