Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
two people or more is called a problem
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.