Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
sugar glider wrangler
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.