Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
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That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.