Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy