Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
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The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My new favorite headline
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
