Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
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me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats