Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.
You Might Also Like
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole
I’ve made a grave mistake.
Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.
My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement