Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.


[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*


*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole

I’ve made a grave mistake.


Eight hours into this family road trip I realized my lifelong vow to avoid illegal drugs was stupid.


CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*


It’s like my golf instructor thinks I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.


ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman


COWORKER: I’m going to my friend’s lake house this weekend for a party.
ME: *lying* I also have friends.


My one night stand is pissed because I broke the other one.


One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement