Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
accurate
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.