Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water