A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
This was a bad idea all around
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.