Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

This story is comedy gold 😂

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant