Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
yeah not falling for this one
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Best spoiler warning ever
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.