Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
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I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
lmao
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Dating Tips
1.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.