Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

I think I’ll stand

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Husband: *sleeping soundly*

Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.