*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”