*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
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saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.