*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You Might Also Like
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
