Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.