*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
You Might Also Like
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.