*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
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*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
happy friday
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Britain be like
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW