*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*

Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”

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I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I’m working just because I came to work today.


[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up


Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices


SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.


No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.


NEW TEACHER: i’m mr. jones. before we get started, i want to make a few things clear, “baes” and “fams.” i’m not your “squad” and this isn’t “goals.” this is english class, where we speak correctly. “sorry not sorry.”

STUDENT: mr jones


STUDENT: that was lit


Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.


Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.


I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.