Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Bobby pin

Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?

Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?

dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!