Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.

Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

*Decision made

I was thinking of being narsysistic.

But I can’t spell it.

So I’m going to be vein.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.