*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
That’s easy for you to say
*mops up wine with cat*
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
