Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bird: *flies into my office window*

Me: yeah, same.

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

therapist: what’s your greatest fear

me: randomly going blind

therapist: i see

me: but for how long?

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

WTF

Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?

Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.

Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

(first day as a bartender)

customer: fifth of scotch.

me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

Hot hot hot 🥵

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy