*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things