*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
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The most important meal of the day is the next one
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
☠️ ☠️
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.