*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
the three branches of government
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE