*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)