*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE