@JermHimselfish

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

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@JustDontBugMe

[at 10pm]

ME: MOOOOMMMMMM!!!

MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!

@LittleMissAngr1

I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.

@robfee

Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!

@chelliet22

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

@amishschool

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

@0point5twins

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

@robfee

I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner

@lecalabara

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

@burnie

My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.

@Book_Krazy

WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.