*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

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[at 10pm]


MOM: *frantically* WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED!!?

ME: Could you wash these jeans?

MOM: what have I told you about laundry after 9pm?

ME: oh, right. DAAAADDDDDD!!!


I thought my daughter was coming in for a kiss, but she just wanted to glare at me from point blank range.


Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!


Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.


Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.


“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”


“Opposite that café”


I wish boxing was like wrestling so when the ref was distracted Manny Pacquiao would run in & hit Floyd Mayweather with a Stone Cold Stunner


“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds


My roomba just went into the corner and knocked over the broom that was leaning there. Dude, chill out. You already got the job.


WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.