*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
SCARY COSTUME
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.