*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*