Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

HARRY POTTER: 🙁

DUMBLEDORE: 🙁

VOLDEMORT: : (

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.