[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.