@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

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@MonSwanson

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

@Beatonm5

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

@RandomlyMJ

I just want to rub all over you……..

……..with the front end of my car.

@GrantTanaka

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

@kristiffy

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

@13spencer

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

@prufrockluvsong

waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?

me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.

@BigJDubz

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense