[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.


One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.


Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!


Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.


[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit


DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?



Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.


superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell