I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I just want to rub all over you……..
……..with the front end of my car.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense