@EJGomez

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

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@truegritrumble

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

@birbigs

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

@jordan_stratton

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.

@Playing_Dad

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

@QwertyJones3

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

@XplodingUnicorn

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

@InternetHippo

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell