Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

[first day as a psychiatrist]

PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices

ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.