Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”

I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others

I: and your greatest strength?

Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Ah yes. The three genders

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

Doctor: There is a drawback to this drug. It really knocks you out. You could be dead to the world for 12 hours or more.

Me: And the drawback?