*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
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[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution