Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.

Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

I feel seen.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?

just witnessed a drug deal

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉

#nofilter

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

for all #parents out there