*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.