Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

never forget

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

I think that’s enough internet for one day…

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Air conditioning – not a fan

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.