Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plums roundup

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

[Joining a gang]

me: so who do I stab for initiation?

members: again, this is a book club

Hoping to spice up my evening

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

[Me using a ouija board]

-Where are you communicating from?

T A S M A N I A

-Oh shit we called the wrong devils

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

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The Chosen Phew

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again