@david8hughes

[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming

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@phirm

Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?

@shkeeber

There’s no easy way to tell someone you lost their kid in a high stakes game of duck duck goose.

@lmwortho

I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.

@hammbone84

Turns out that my wife isn’t very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@AnnDabromowitz

When I’m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called “sandwich artists.” They will be “sub humans.”

@sixfootcandy

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

@chrisdowning

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@KentWGraham

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.