[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.