[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
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Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“HELP WITH CAT”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms