*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
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Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*