Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.

Co-worker: How are you today?

Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*

Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*

Also me: *I gotta pee*

I ain’t wearing no wire

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”