Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.

I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.

5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

Geez man, take it easy.

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

They’re on their honeymoon

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.