Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third