Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.