*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Yeah. This was me today.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
