coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
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5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Leonardo DiCaprisun
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that