[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Never deleting this app.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.