@david8hughes

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

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@portmanteauface

Guy about to invent the everything bagel: *removes couch cushions to vacuum*

@andlikelaura

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

@1BigMick

If you believe the home alarm commercials, the first thing burglars do when they break into your home is smash your family pictures.

@KenJennings

Yes, in fact I DO know what it’s like to bleed like crazy once a month. That’s my flossing schedule.

@juanadog

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

@envydatropic

Fact – If you add “ish” to your time, like 9:00ish, you’re never late for anything

@lyric_intent

It doesn’t matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.

@itsqueenbeebish

Omg. I just discovered that a FB friend of mine eats mayonnaise on her Reeses peanut butter cups and now I need to ghost her.

@bjnovak

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone