[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.