Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

[a boomerang is thrown at me]

me: oh no holy frickin crap !

[one second later]

me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage