Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?

HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”

I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.